Hello! Hello! Hello!
First of all, I’m so so sorry! I missed the Sunday and Tuesday newsletters! In my defense, I've got this shitty flu and I had been sleeping all week! I’m not entirely recovered yet but we gotta keep writing! So yeah… Sorry!!
Now to the topic of the week, it’s attachment styles…
Have you ever found yourself replaying a text in your head, wondering, "Why didn’t they put an exclamation mark?!" or maybe you're the type who likes to ghost people for weeks, only to reappear like nothing happened?
Congrats, you’ve stumbled into the world of attachment styles! It’s basically how our brains were wired as babies to do relationships – for better or worse.
So buckle up! We’re about to dive into four attachment styles and trust me, it’s going to explain a LOT about your love life (or lack thereof).
So, What Are Attachment Styles?
Attachment styles are like your brain's relationship GPS—it tells you how to bond with others, where to take emotional U-turns, and when to pull over at the "I need some space" rest stop. Developed in early childhood (thanks, to caregivers), these styles stick with you and influence your behavior in romantic relationships, friendships, and even work.
There are four main types:
Secure Attachment
Anxious Attachment
Avoidant Attachment
Disorganized Attachment
Ready to figure out which one you are? Let’s break them down!
1. Secure Attachment: The Unicorn of Attachment Styles 🦄
People with a secure attachment style are like the golden retrievers of relationships—warm, trusting, and generally well-adjusted. These folks grew up with consistent, loving caregivers who made them feel safe. As adults, they form healthy bonds, communicate openly, and aren’t afraid of intimacy or being alone.
What it looks like in relationships:
You trust your partner.
You can handle your emotions.
You don’t freak out when they’re not texting you back immediately.
Secret Superpower: You’re the person who can leave a text on “read” without spiraling into an existential crisis.
2. Anxious Attachment: The Relationship Overthinker 🤯
Do you tend to worry about whether your partner still likes you after they forget to use a heart emoji? Do you send a “Hey...are you mad?” text after an hour of silence? Congrats, you might have an anxious attachment style! People with this style often had inconsistent caregiving as kids—sometimes their emotional needs were met, and other times...not so much.
What it looks like in relationships:
You need constant reassurance.
You’re always analyzing your partner’s every move, like Sherlock Holmes, but with more emotional baggage.
You might feel jealous easily or fear abandonment.
Secret Superpower: You’re a pro at keeping emotional tabs on people (probably have a photographic memory of every text your partner has ever sent).
3. Avoidant Attachment: The Emotional Escape Artist 🏃♀️
If commitment gives you hives and emotional intimacy feels like a trap, you might have an avoidant attachment style. As kids, avoidants didn’t get much emotional nurturing from caregivers, so they learned to rely on themselves and avoid vulnerability like it’s a virus.
What it looks like in relationships:
You need lots of personal space.
You get uncomfortable with too much closeness or emotional talk.
You may find yourself pulling away as soon as things start to get serious.
Secret Superpower: You’re highly independent, which means you’re a relationship survivalist. Even if you’re left alone on an emotional island, you’ll build a raft and sail off into the sunset without a single tear.
4. Disorganized Attachment: The Walking Paradox 🌀
Disorganized attachment is like a combination of anxious and avoidant styles—you're both scared of getting close but also terrified of being left alone. This often develops in kids who experience chaotic or abusive caregiving. As adults, they tend to be unpredictable in relationships—wanting closeness but fearing it at the same time.
What it looks like in relationships:
You might run hot and cold (clingy one minute, distant the next).
You may feel confused about your emotions and struggle to trust others.
Relationships can feel intense and overwhelming.
Secret Superpower: You’ve got an emotional range for days—no one can say you’re not passionate!
How Attachment Styles Influence Emotional Health
Each attachment style affects how you handle emotions and interact with others. Secure folks generally have better emotional regulation, meaning they don’t go into DEFCON 1 over a delayed text. On the flip side, anxious and avoidant styles can lead to relationship stress, trust issues, and even health problems like anxiety or depression if not addressed.
But don’t worry! You can change your attachment style. Yes, even if you’re the clingiest koala or the most elusive emotional ninja, working on forming healthier bonds is possible.
Scientifically Proven Ways to Improve Your Attachment Style
Therapy (especially Cognitive Behavioral Therapy): This helps you become aware of your attachment style, rewire your thinking, and develop healthier patterns.
Mindfulness and Emotional Regulation Techniques: Practicing mindfulness can help you control your anxiety or avoidant tendencies by staying present and aware of your feelings.
Healthy Communication: Practice open and honest communication in relationships, and be vulnerable (even if it feels like skydiving without a parachute).
Building Secure Relationships: Surround yourself with people who are supportive and emotionally available, as these relationships can help you shift toward a more secure attachment.
Final Thoughts: Attachment Styles Aren’t Destiny
Your attachment style doesn’t define you forever! Think of it like your relationship software—it can be updated and improved with time and effort. And hey, if all else fails, a little self-awareness can go a long way in turning you from an emotional overthinker into a relationship guru.
Until next time, here’s to healthier, happier relationships—and maybe fewer "Hey...are you mad?" texts.
This week’s recommendation 👻💕
Do you easily get attached? I kinda do \(00)/
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Until Sunday then! (promise to publish this week’s post!!)
Izel :3
Reference:
Bowlby, J., 1969. Attachment and Loss: Attachment. London: Hogarth Press.
Fraley, R.C., 2010. A brief overview of adult attachment theory and research. [online] Available at: http://labs.psychology.illinois.edu/~rcfraley/attachment.htm [Accessed 16 Sep. 2024].
Mikulincer, M. and Shaver, P.R., 2016. Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change. 2nd ed. New York: Guilford Press.
Siegel, D.J., 2012. The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are. 2nd ed. New York: Guilford Press.
Woodhouse, S., 2021. Adult attachment styles and relationship satisfaction. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 38(5), pp.1212-1225.
I was def #2. After therapy, I'm more of #1 but some days, on the bad days I can slip into the #2
Do we HAVE to have one of those? (or a mix I guess)...